If you’re a black man (or man of another race) dating a white woman or thinking of diving into the world of dating white women, this article should help you negotiate the complicated terrain of interracial dating and dating white women.
There are a number of questions that pop up:
How will my family and friends react?
Where is the best place to find white women to date?
Will I be comfortable?
Are there dangers?
I hope to answer all of these questions about dating white women and even tackle certain issues that you may not have yet considered. But the most important question is a great deal less complicated. Is dating white women something you are interested in doing? If the answer is yes, all of the other questions become irrelevant and a great place to start is our Top Interracial Dating Sites.
Simply put, if you are interested in making your own dating decisions and if you are man enough to face the storm you may have to endure for violating society’s taboos, then nothing else should matter.
Some might consider this a naive approach to dating white women. Other people’s opinion of you matters. You care about how your family may react. And you care about jumping into a relationship that could turn some heads — in all the wrong ways, and in all the wrong places. That’s why you, a black single man interested in dating white women need to accept some uncomfortable realities before you proceed. Here are five of them.
A Black Man’s Guide to Dating White Women
Dating White Women Reality #1: History is not on your side.
Say what you will about how much the world has changed in the recent decades since the civil right movement. But our nation’s history cannot be denied. And that history is one that has frowned upon interracial dating for as long as America has existed.
A brief trip through history might be helpful here. History is littered with examples of black men who ran afoul of society’s boundaries when dating white women — as it pertained to interracial dating and paid a heavy price for it.
America has grown up a great deal since the days when interracial dating was actually a dangerous endeavor.
It is now, for the most part a nation where a black man no longer puts his life in peril for making the choice in favor of dating white women. But echoes of the past have a weird way of intruding on the present and those who recommend that black men steer clear of dating white women may have good reason for their concern.
It could be argued that America’s history of dealing with interracial dating has also included a strong disapproval of black women dating white men. But the focus has nearly always undeniably been on black men dating white women. The fear and discomfort of these kinds ofunions was, for example, the central theme of such wide-ranging Hollywood movies as Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? and The Birth of a Nation.
For you, as a black single man dating white women, the question is: will you let America’s ugly past determine your future? If the answer is ‘no,’ congratulations on being your own man. But keeping reading about some of the other realities you must contend with when dating white women.
Dating White Women Reality #2: You won’t always be successful
You could say this is just an extension of reality that all men (regardless or race) must endure when dating white women. Most efforts at getting those digits will fail. Many already have a significant other or they’re playing for “The other team,” if you will. But the biggest category of “no”s come from women who are simply not attracted to you.
The possible reasons for non-attraction are endless. She might not like your face, your height, your waist size, your car, your job, your dog or, you guessed it, your race.
A recent study about the Facebook dating app called Are You Interested? (similar to Tinder) attempted to find patterns in races of those rejected by others similar to a study by OkCupid. What they found was telling — some would say racist.
For example, Asian females replied to white “Yes’s” 7.8 percent of the time, a more frequent rate then they responded to any other race. While white women gave responses to black men only 2.8 percent of the time — lower than any that’s group’s response to any others.
Some would wonder if this would constitute a form of racism?That’s a heated argument for another day. The question here is: Is this bad news for black men interested in dating white women? Maybe. But once again that depends on you.
Those who are determined to love who they want to love will not be daunted. Those who are not will allow the herd to steer them away from their desires will very likely back away from the challenge. If you have to wonder which one you are, you’re probably lost.
Dating White Women Reality #3: Some black woman will not be happy with your choices
The discomfort many white men and women have at the sight of black men dating white women is not uncommonly shared with black women. Their reasons typically differ from those of white disapprovers.
The comparatively tiny numbers of available black men is often cited as the reason. But the advice given is the same: love who you want to love.
Having said all that, things aren’t always so simple when dating white women. It’s one thing to ignore the protests of a random black woman who unhappily bumps into you and your significant other of a lighter shade on the street. But what if the black woman who objects to you dating white women is your mother, or sister or daughter?
This would demand a more delicate touch. When dealing with people who matter in your life, screaming, “To hell with you and your opinions!” may not be the best advice. But in the end it’s really just a matter of finding a less hostile way of saying the same thing. “I know you love me, but I have to make my own choices in life.” is a good place to start.
A good move would be to embellish on that until all ill feelings are gone. And yes, there’s a chance those ill feelings will be back. In which case, lather rinse, repeat.
Dating White Women Reality #4: Stereotypes may complicate things
Not only can stereotypes make it difficult to find a lover of a different race, but even after you zip past those pesky misconceptions, the waters can remain inconveniently muddy. For example if you’re a black man dating a white woman who’s seeking a sideways baseball cap wearing thug (a Young Thug) you can find yourself in the position of being a disappointment by being something closer to a science-minded nerd (an Urkel).
It’s not fun to back away from these kinds of situations, but it’s best to keep in mind that such mistakes are easy to make for those who grew up somewhere other than the hood.
Dating White Women Reality #5: You may feel some guilt
Say what you will about those who object to the fact that you are a black man dating white women. You may not care about what these people say. But what kinds of thoughts are bouncing around in your own head?
It’s only natural that you would begin to wonder if your decisions are the right ones for the community.
But in the end you have to remind yourself that who you choose to love is only a fraction of your commitment to the community. Some would argue that something as personal as who you share your bed with has nothing at all to do with the community.
This is a good thing to recall when you hear about a preacher cheating on his wife or a violently anti-gay black man who is on the down low. That bible verse about He who is without sin? That would be a good place to keep your bible bookmarked.
Okay, so you’ve dipped and dodged past all the obstacles that could have prevented you from finding true love. Now what? Well, it’s important to remember that you’re not home just yet. Theoften awkward topic of race can still make life uncool — even after you’ve gotten into a relationship.
Dating White Women Awkward Conversations To Avoid
“Do you have any black in you?”
This is the conversation you have in the club when you spot her across the bar and approach her. After you ask her “Do you have any black in you?” she answers, “No.” And you say, “Do you want some?”
Joking about race can be a fun and easy way to break the ice. But use at your own risk — especially with somebody you don’t yet know. And besides, it’s not like she didn’t already notice you were black. If corny pick up lines like these are the best you can do, it may be a while before you’re able to date anybody of any race.
“Am I the first brother you’ve been with?”
Curiosity about previous partners can quickly turn into an unhealthy obsession. This, of course, is not unique to black men dating white women. But things can get even crazier than usual if you follow things down a racial path. Let the past stay in the past.
“Don’t touch my hair!”
Yes, there will be times when those who haven’t spent much time around folks of color can get curious about some strange things. They may want to know if your skin color rubs away or what happens when your hair gets wet. Getting overly sensitive about these kinds of things is not a good idea. Black women have been known to get uneasy when asked about hair, but given the long and complicated history of black women and hair issues, that makes a strange kind of sense. But dude, what’s your excuse?
“When do I get to meet your parents?”
Be patient with this one. She may be waiting for the right time make the announcement. Given that “Mom, dad… I’d like to to meet Shamir” is still a difficult announcement to make. Don’t assume she’s ashamed or interested in keeping you a secret. Although if you’re still asking that question after you’ve been married for years, that would be a bad sign.
“Maybe you shouldn’t meet my mama just yet.”
A similar announcement may be difficult for you to make. Let her know that the time for such an announcement will come… eventually.
There are no secret rules to dating women, but on the other hand, it wouldn’t be accurate to say that dating white women is no different that dating any other women. In a society like ours where race matters quite a bit, it would be naive to think your approach should be the same with all women. But in the end, you still have to remember that you’re not dating a race of people, but a person who happens to belong to a race.