Dating Black Men: A Detailed Instruction Manual

Dating black men guide - Main photoAs a black man I feel that a lot of women need help when it comes to dating black men. If you’re a woman of another race, making the bold move of dating black men may or may not have come with much consternation — and perhaps some disapproval from friends or family.

The good news is that it’s not 1947, meaning we now live in a world where loving who you want to love doesn’t demand the bravery it once did. You can even find amazing partners online using our Top Interracial Dating Sites list as a guide.

But things can still get tricky. Of course, dating is tricky enough as it is, but when you add cultural differences, confusing myths and bigotry, navigating the terrain of dating black men can be a minefield. Here’s a brief guide to tip-toeing (and eventually dancing) through that minefield.

Dating Black Men: An Instruction Manual

First let’s take a quick tour through the various models of black men available on the market. Of course, there is no one type of black man. There are no “types” of black men. They differ by height, weight, brains, shoe size and favorite sports team — like anybody else. But if you’re a rookie in the world of dating black men, the following guide could help you get an rough look at what the landscape looks like.

The Player

Dating black men guide - playerHe can be found at the club during every hour that it’s open. And once it’s closed, he going home with a hookup. Think you can get the player to settle down and play the role of a faithful family man? Good luck.

You’re better off trying to scrub the spots off a leopard. Chances are he’s only looking for a good time for the night — or maybe the hour.

But then again, maybe you’re only looking for a short time thrill. In which case, the player may be what you’re seeking. Dating black men isn’t always for the sheepish.

Mr. Militant

Dating black men guide - Mr MilitantThis fellow has never met a cause he hasn’t embraced or a march he hasn’t joined. But while his focus on these causes can vary, they tend to relate to those whose skin shade he shares.

With that in mind, Mr. Militant is not always noted for his open-mindedness when it comes to dating outside of his race. His motto is often one he got from his mother: If she can’t use your comb, don’t take her home. He may be horrified that dating black men is even on your menu.

Having said all that, he is a man. And if you get his brain and libido blazing, he can get flexible.

The Couch jockey

Dating black men guide - couch jockeyIt takes a let to get this brother out of the house and away from his Madden football and weed. But he may be worth it.

He could be a handsome, charming dude who just doesn’t feel the motivation to leave the plasma TV behind.

Maybe you could be the one who sets him in motion.

Sporting life

Dating black men guide - athleteIf you’ve been paying attention for the last one hundred years you may have noticed the ongoing relationship between black men and sports. And there are times when this relationship can cause many a brother to put any “other” relationships on hold.

In other words, keep away from that remote while the game is on.

And this applies double for the black man who’s not only a fan of football/basketball/boxing/track/baseball/pool but plays the sport himself.

It’s never a good idea to ask the black man you’re dating to chose between you and his favorite sport. Unless you’re prepared to say to goodbye.

Mr. Preacher Man

Dating black men guide - preacherThis dude knows his bible. He’s got a verse for every occasion and he’s not shy about sharing it in the loudest most flamboyant way imaginable.

If you admire spiritual focus, you’ll get plenty from this man.

You may also get old fashioned values, a pastor’s ego and a sermon every time you wear a skirt a little too high.

Daddy old school

Dating black men guide - Daddy old schoolOf course, you could also chose dating black men old enough to remember such things as: Soul Train in its prime, the Blaxploitation movie era and pre-hip hop days of black music.

This guy can be lots of fun. He’ll entertain you with stories of days gone by and maybe even dust off these things called ‘records’ that you probably don’t remember.

He’s a trip.

The downside. Yes, there is a downside to dating black men. There are serious barriers that could prevent you from finding a black man of your dreams.

Dating black men barriers part one: disapproval

As we’ve said before, it’s not 1947, so dating black men will not likely get you threatened or incarcerated. But it wasn’t really that long ago that a severe case of jungle fever could land you in prison.

Interracial mingling had been frowned upon in America as long there’s been an America. And while I’m sure you don’t need a history lesson to be convinced that breaking this firmly held taboo has always been a no-no, here’s a fact that may help you realize just how firmly held the taboo has been: the marriage ban of interracial couples lasted over a century past the civil war.

Depending on where you live, it is possible that your own family may hold onto the beliefs that kept laws against different race marriages around for so long. That raises the thorny question of how to deal with these worries and pressures of dating black men.

The short answer is not let them bug you, and to love who you want to love regardless of what your family thinks. But if you’re like most people, you probably love your family (whether you like them or not is different story). And when a family member threatens to withhold their love because they don’t like the possibility of someday having a son/brother/cousin-in-law whose skin color they don’t approve of, this can be a tricky situation to deal with.

I’ll deal with this problem in greater detail in a future post, but for now, I repeat that the best advice is to love who love and understand that anyone who doesn’t want you to love who you want to love doesn’t really love you.

Dating black men barriers part two: More disapproval

And of course, the backlash you may face with dating black men doesn’t only come from those who have traditionally opposed interracial unions. African-American women have occasionally had a thing or two to say about black male/non-black female relationships.

In an recent post for Essence magazine’s website, singer Jill Scott set off a firestorm of controversy around the topic of white women dating black men. When giving her opinion, she said that she “felt a little wince” when told by a black male friend that he had tied the knot to a white woman.

“When our people were enslaved, ‘Massa’ placed his Caucasian woman on a pedestal.” Scott said, “She was spoiled, revered and angelic, while the Black slave woman was overworked, beaten, raped and farmed out like cattle to be mated. She was nothing and neither was our Black man.”

Uh-oh! As if risking the disapproval of your redneck uncle wasn’t bad enough, now you learn that centuries of racial injustice are also against you. Who knew dating black men would come with such heavy cultural baggage?

But if it helps any, it’s worth pointing out that many black woman violently disagree with Scott’s views. Quite a few, in fact, have happily taken a plunge into the interracial dating pool themselves.

And while it wasn’t my intention to get political, we can’t discuss the idea of dating black men man without touching on some uncomfortable realities for life in the 21st century for black men.

The challenge of dating black men also has a strange wrinkle: finding one. According to a recent report in the New York Times, 1.5 million black men are missing. By “missing,” they mean they are missing from every day life. Mainly due to high incarceration rates and early deaths.

Of the one and half African-American men missing for the twenty-five to fifty-four higher prison rates are the story behind nearly 600,000 of them. Nearly one in twelve men of African-American descent of these ages call a prison cell home.

Premature death is another big part of the equation, with murder playing the biggest role. Other leading cause of death for men of this category include heart disease, respiratory disease and accidents.

What do all of these grim statistics have to do with interracial dating? Nothing directly, but they may help us understand the frustration some black women having with the sight of men from their community reaching out to women of a lighter shade. They may also highlight the difficulty of finding available black men.

So for  the white, Latina or Asian woman interested in dating black men, this raises and interesting question: where do you find them? Are they more common in some cities than others?

Should you try the big metropolitan areas or the country? The south or the north? The west coast or East? Or maybe ditch the US altogether and give Canada a try.

Relax and put down that magnifying glass. If you are wondering when to go to where dating black men is an available opportunity, the answer is everywhere — if you’re looking.

When you get right down to it dating black men doesn’t require a special instruction manual at all. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s difficult and complicated and crazy in the same way dating anybody else can be difficult and complicated and crazy. It doesn’t take a secret handshake or a password to get into the club. It only takes a real desire to get into the club for the right reasons. If you think dating a black man will make you seem hip or trendy, or if you have one last item to scratch off your bucket list, black men will smell the fake on you right away. But if you really want to enjoy a great time with someone of a different history and culture, then all the challenges in the world won’t stop you.

In other words, black men are just men, driven by the same urges and plagued by the same demons as men of any other background. The challenges to dating black men are there, but they can only stop you if you let them. The best way to let them is let others decide who you should love and who you should leave alone.


The conclusion is up to you. Will you allow the pressure of following the herd dictate your love life? If the answer is yes, dating black men man may not be for you.

So what kind of woman dates a black man? The answer is simple. The kind who wants to. The kind of woman for whom dating black men man is not a passing phase or walk on the wild side designed to liven up a weekend of boredom.

If the style and panache of black man appeals to you enough to endure the challenges and barriers presented by society’s taboos, then consider yourself a member of the club. Dating black men sounds like something just right for you. Get started now by checking out our Top Interracial Dating Sites today!

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